For Sam
by Devil-may-care101
Summary: Not just another job." Oneshot on the episode Home in Season 1. First time Supernatural writer so please be nice : Happy birthday Laura!


_Heya guys, this is my very first Supernatural fanfic. I hope you guys enjoy it._

_**Dedicated to: My best mate Laura, aka Cowboysteel - HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!**! Told you I would write one eventually._

_Special thanks to: Paper Roses and Candy Kisses for betaing this for me - you are a star!_

_If you like, please feel to drop me a line or review :)_

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Dean Winchester stood outside under the faulty blinking motel sign, leaning against his beloved Impala. His head was bowed and the muscles in his back were tight with the tension that had settled there not half an hour previously. His eyes were closed and he was trying really hard to control his breathing; for the first time in a long time, he realised the true extent of what his job entailed.

Dean had dealt with a lot in his life, had seen a lot of unexplainable things and had fought with things that most people believed only existed in the realms of fantasy. He'd always believed himself to be pretty good at coping with anything that life could throw at him, apart from one thing - the death of someone he cared about.

Just like his mom.

Although his mom died when he was only four, Dean could always feel the loss of the mother who'd died so young by the forces out of their control. Dean wasn't one to show his emotions - there would be the occasional sarcastic comment here and then there would be the angry statement there. But talking about, or even thinking about what had happened to his mom was something that he'd never managed to deal with.

And now, after twenty two years, Dean had been told that he needed to go back to Lawrence, to the place that he'd once called home. The place where his mother had died. And the place that Dean had sworn he would never go again.

He couldn't remember much from that night, other than the intense heat of the fire and him carrying Sam out of the house. He could barely remember his mom - only flashes of memories remained. And he couldn't remember who his father had been before the fire. That one night, everything had changed.

Life changed.

Dean didn't want to go back to Kansas. He didn't want to relive the last time that he was here, the days following the aftermath of the fire. Didn't want the memories that he'd hidden for so long to come back and haunt him anymore. Too many unresolved issues

But he knew that he needed to go back. He'd been avoiding Kansas for years, but he knew he couldn't carry on like that anymore. In the life he lived, in the life that he and Sam lived, they could never shy away from anything. Innocent people could get hurt. And Dean knew from firsthand experience the pain that the paranormal could cause inflict on people. He wouldn't wish that on anyone. If they didn't go back home, then people could die. They might not be sure that something was there, but they needed to check it out.

Sam was much more willing than his older brother to go back there. Dean had heard the faint but still observant childish hope coming through in Sam's voice - Sam had always wanted to go back to Kansas, to see where his mother had once lived and been happy, just as he wanted to see where his family as a whole had once been so happy. Sam had been much too young to remember either his mother, their life before the fire, or even the fire itself. Maybe he thought that if he went back, he'd finally be able to put a picture to the place that had caused all involved so much pain.

But it wasn't just the hope of seeing a glimpse of his former life that Dean had heard in his younger brother's voice. Sam was clearly hoping that this being, this thing he swore was back in Lawrence, was the same thing that had killed their mother, had killed Jess. Sam had been devastated by Jess' death and had been haunted by ever since, no matter how much Dean told him that the guilt wasn't his to bear. And Dean wished so hard for this whole thing to be over for Sam. It hurt him to see his brother in so much pain and not be able to do anything about it.

But Dean didn't know whether this thing they'd hunted for so long, the thing that their father had given his life to finding, would be in Lawrence. He didn't want Sam to be disappointed by what they might find, but at the same time, he half hoped that it wouldn't be the thing that killed their mother. Dean was unsure as to whether or not he could cope with that. He'd never really recovered from what had happened to his mother - as a four year old, he hadn't understood, he'd just thought his mommy had gone to stay with the angels for a while. At least that was always what his dad had told him, up until the age of 8, when his father had sat him down and told him what really happened. He'd had such a hard time believing that monsters existed, especially after everything his father had told him, after everything his mother had told him when he'd been so much younger.

And that was yet another reason that they had to return to Kansas. There was the heavy possibility that they would find their father there, the person that had triggered this whole avalanche of travelling in the first place. If John had heard that there was a possibility that the thing that killed Mary Winchester had re-surfaced, he would be there like a shot. If there was that possibility, then surely they had no choice but to go?

But at the end of the day, if Sam wasn't so damn willing to go back to Kansas, then Dean knew he would be more than willing to run. More than willing to avoid that place for as along as humanly possible. He'd keep running. It was because of Sam that they were going back.

Dean rubbed his hand over his eyes, trying to dispel the fatigue that had settled there. He pushed himself back off of the hood of his car, pausing briefly to wipe the smudge mark off of the paintwork, before heading back into the dingy motel room that had been their 'home' for the last 2 days. As much as he didn't want to go home, he knew he had no choice. And Dean Winchester would never walk away from a tough moment, even if it pained him physically. Pushing the door open, he found Sam sat on his bed, bag already packed, ready to go. Sam was fidgeting impatiently, and looked up when Dean entered the room, a nervous excitement visible on his face. What he was excited about, Dean couldn't quite tell.

"Hey, you ready to go?"

Dean said nothing, turning to his own bed and throwing his stuff haphazardly into his bag. He could feel Sam's gaze on him, burning into his back, but he ignored it, and carried on, pausing briefly to check his gun was loaded.

"Yo, Dean. We gotta go."

Dean stiffened and turned back to Sam. "We aint gotta do anything Sam."

Sam just looked back at him, a confused expression on his face. "But I thought we already agreed to check it out?"

"We did. But that doesn't mean I have to like it Sammy."

Sam frowned. "I don't understand. This could be the break we've been hoping for. This could be thing that killed Jess, the thing that killed Mom. Dad could be there! I just don't understand why you're so hesitant at going. It's just like any other job."

Dean snapped, his patience wearing thin. "It's not JUST another job. We have history there! In case you've forgotten, our mother died there. So seeing as that's the last memory I have of that place, the last memory I'll ever have of her, I'm not really all that desperate to go back!"

Sam jumped to his feet. "Well at least you have memories of back then! I don't have any of Mom, all I know is what I've been told. Don't you think that it hurts me too, to know that Mom died there? To know that because of one night, one demon, I grew up without ever knowing my mother!? You were lucky that you got to spend some time with her which you actually remember!"

"Don't you think I know that?"

"I don't know. Do you?"

The two brothers stood facing each other, Dean's face flushed with anger and Sam's conflicted with some many emotions that it was hard to pin any down. The air was thick with tension.

"I think," Dean began, his voice deadly cold, "that you're resting all of your hopes on the fact that the demon MIGHT be there. We don't know for a fact it is there. Your grief over Jess is clouding your judgement. We CAN NOT go in there half-cocked. We have to know what it is we are dealing with!"

"When can we ever be 100% sure of what we are dealing with before we go Dean?! It's not like the papers print which particular demonic being causing havoc in between the news and adds for new lawnmowers! We know that something evil is going on over there Dean. And I believe YOU were the one who said you wanted to kill every "son of a bitch" demon that we could before we find Dad."Sam stopped and waited for a smart reply that Dean generally gifted him with.

"Look," Sam continued when nothing came, "This isn't about me Dean." Sam's voice was gentle, which only made Dean angrier. He didn't need Sam's pity. "This isn't even about you and your inability to get over what happened to Mom. It's about what could happen it we don't go back. The fact remains that there IS something going on in Lawrence. We've never run away from a job, no matter how hard, no matter how painful, because its just what we do. People could get hurt. And that's what we are going to stop. If we manage to take out the thing that killed Mom and Jess, that's just an added bonus. I get that you're scared Dean, hell I am too. But we can't let that stop us."

Dean just shook his head, running his hand over his chin. "I'm here for you Dean. You just have to let people in once in while". Sam waited patiently for his brother's reaction, hoping that Dean wouldn't keep everything inside like he usually did.

After a short pause, Dean spoke. "Come on, we better leave now if we're going to get there before dawn." Dean turned back to his bed, missing Sam's frustrated gesture about not being able to get through to his brother.

He stood there with his back to Sam, resuming his packing with the resignation of someone who knew they were about to face one of their worst nightmares. All the anger and trepidation had drained out of his system and had been replaced with a reluctant acceptance.

"I'm going to go and pack the car." Sam murmured behind him, and Dean didn't even bother to turn around, just grunted a response back to his brother. He heard the door open, and once he was sure Sam was gone, he sighed aloud. Zipping up his duffel bag, he slung it over his shoulder and fumbled for the light switch next to the door. As if by instinct, he cast a final glance around the room, checking they hadn't left anything behind which would be important, taking this opportunity to steel his nerve and compose himself. He felt uncomfortable about chick flick moments, and hated Sam to see his vulnerable side.

He hadn't meant to let his emotions show, and he didn't plan on doing it again. What he felt just didn't matter. At the end of the day, they had a job to do.

But the job wasn't the reason that Dean was willing, albeit reluctantly, to return to Lawrence. It wasn't because their dad might be there. It wasn't even for his own closure or his own piece of mind.

It was for Sam.

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_Hope you guys liked it :)_


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